Over the last decade, we’ve seen an evolution of eccentric eaters. These munchie millennials have really taken it upon themselves to dabble in just about every dietary trend out there. From buttered coffee to bacon wrapped avocados, and then back to “coffee” (this time, of the mushroom variety), it’s clear that we’re quite a quirky generation of health-crazed consumers. We thought what better place to observe these outlandish foodies than at the ultra trendy, go-to detox destination for some of the nuttiest of health nuts….the juice bar!
Long ago, in a Gucci-dripping galaxy far, far away, these healthy hotspots could really only be found tucked away amongst the mega mansions of Hollywood and Beverly Hills. Nowadays, you don’t have to fight the Hunger Games of highways in LA traffic to get your juice fix. In fact, you’d be hard pressed to find a place that isn’t blending and juicing up a superfood storm. We’ve even seen juice bars popping up in airports, so even if you’re stuck in the middle seat between a screaming baby and an arm-rest hog, at least you’ve got your cold pressed carrot-ginger cocktail. Today, we’re giving the diet divas and divos of the juice bar the spotlight they deserve, highlighting just a few of the standouts plus their LivePure cube of choice. So grab yourself a matcha-collagen-chia cookie and some coconut-keto-bone broth, we’re about to spill the tea on the juice bar healthfood heroes.
The Guru
The Guru knows everything. Literally, everything. Or at least that’s the vibe we get from eavesdropping on the enlightenment sessions he holds at the juice bar.Because the Guru knows everything, it means he’s qualified to also do everything. Got a rash? The Guru knows just the right ratio of coconut and avocado oil to heal up those hives. Maybe it’s marital troubles? No prob! The Guru can recommend the best spiritual retreat to help you and your partner realign on that chakra level. Perhaps your kid’s guinea pig seems a little depressed. Don’t you worry, the Guru actually speaks guinea pig, so he can counsel Fluffy through his troubles.
The Guru is definitely not our favorite person to get stuck behind at the juice bar. You’d think that because he orders the same thing every day, (extra large celery juice) he’d be quick but, nope. With the Guru, you never know what’s going to happen when he’s about to place his order. Sometimes, he says nothing-just stares at the poor juice-irista as he reads her “energy.” How do we know that’s what he’s doing here? Because he did the same thing to us in the check out line at Whole Foods. When the teenage grocery-bagger asked if he should call the manager, the Guru finally explained his creepy one-sided staring contest. On another day, the Guru might be feeling chatty. This is not good if you’re the next in line (in fact, you might as well peace-out and order yourself a bagel next door. Hey, at least you tried going the healthy route)! On these days, the Guru wants to talk. And talk. And talk some more. In fact, you’re pretty sure he’s convinced the juice bar is now his lecture hall and we’re simply his disgruntled students waiting to have our lives changed by his message. And that message can range from anything from the origin of the universe to what he had for breakfast. The Guru is basically the mayor of the juice bar, and while he’s definitely kooky, he down’s that celery juice like a serious G. Respect.
Their Live Pure Smoothie Flave Fave: The Game Changer
Of course. As a self-proclaimed game changer, there’s no chance the Guru would choose another flavor. With its greenish color hue, you’d never guess this smoothie actually tastes like a blended Nutterbutter cookie. This surprising smoothie cube flavor is exactly what the Guru is going for himself: an air of mystery (who knows what flavor “green” could be?!) and then BAM-you’re hit by a deliciously unapologetic taste that can’t be ignored.
The Over-the-top Advocate
Don’t get us wrong, we agree and support most of what the Advocate is advocating for. It’s just that the delivery needs to be dialed in just a tad.
Did you know that plastic straws LITERALLY KILL SEA TURTLES by getting stuck UP THEIR NOSE!!??!! Oh, you guys don’t use plastic straws? That’s great! But did you know that BEE’S ARE GOING EXTINCT!! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! Stealing their bee pollen for some Acai bowl sprinkles!! And are your goji berries reeeeally organic? Do you even know if your cacao nibs were sustainably harvested?? Hmm?!?
If you stop by to grab a smoothie or juice when the Advocate is in, you may want to grab your Airpods (although be sly about it – if the Advocate catches you, they’ll go off about some environmental injustice Apple committed). However, while a killer Spotify playlist may help drown out some of the Advocates screaming, you’ll probably be drawn back into the protesting once things start looking like they’re getting juicy – i.e. when someone in line decides to challenge any of the Advocates enviro-facts or the poor register girl is nearly in tears thinking she’s personally responsible for the demise of dolphins. Poor thing, she just wanted a fun job where she could blend some fruit and flirt with the surfer boys who love a post-shred smoothie. If you see the Advocate, it’s best you grab your green drink and go unless you’re ready to purchase your one-way ticket for a serious guilt trip.
Their Live Pure Smoothie Flave Fave: Pitaya Protein
This smoothie is here to make a statement, just like the Advocate. With the neon pink hue and the delectably off-beat ingredients (we’re looking at you, mulberries) this smoothie is the “in-your-face” situation that the Advocate is going for. The Pitaya Protein, however, stands out because it’s exceptionally tasty rather than exceptionally…loud. But hey, if the Advocates shouting at the juice bar saves a few turtles and maybe a couple of trees, we are all here for it. Go green, or go home!
The “What’s that do?” Dude
We have mixed feelings about this guy. We give him credit for stepping out of his foodie comfort zone by venturing into the juice bar over his usual stop at Starbucks for a lemon loaf and latte. However, if you get stuck behind this guy in line, prepare for your practice in patience, because it’s about to be tested. The Dude has never heard of collagen. He’s confused why chia seeds are a part of any item on the menu – aren’t those used for those cheesy pottery animals? And wait, what is hemp doing in a smoothie?! Is that even legal?? Oh, thaaaaat’s right, it’s legal now (he says as he smirks and winks knowingly at the surfer boys in line behind him). Even though he’s spent 20 minutes staring at the menu before finally conjuring up the courage to hop in line, he still somehow manages to completely panic once he’s made it to the front. He starts at the top of the menu and makes his way through every single smoothie, juice, or shot.
How’s the Supergreen? What makes it super anyways? Is it the Kale? That’s a type of lettuce right? Should I add cacao? Did I pronounce that right? Is it “cay-cow”? Or “Caw-Cow?” What’s that good for anyway? Hmmm, scrap that, how’s the Berry Blend?
You would think this guy is about to make the biggest decision of his life, the way he ponders and questions every ingredient of every item on the menu. We’re not sure if he’s blatantly ignoring the irritated sighs of the growing crowd that’s built up in line behind him, or if he is actually too distracted by his curiosity and obsessive need to make the right choice with his order. The most frustrating part about the “What’s that Do?” Dude is that after 25 minutes of ingredient interrogation, he orders a strawberry banana smoothie, sans superfoods because he’s pretty sure they’re just part of some “vegan voodoo” he’s not going to buy in to.
Their Live Pure Smoothie Flave Fave: The Churro
A smoothie named after a classic carnival favorite is a safe bet for the Dude. What could those smoothie cube scientists possibly sneak into something that tastes like a fried, cinnamon-dusted treat? We’ll just keep the maca and the lucuma that are in The Churro on the down low. While these superfoods really hike up the health content of this flavor, their addition would really just stress the Dude out.
The Hot Hippie
She just finished teaching a 90-minute Bikram yoga class, but somehow manages to look like she just wrapped up a Sports Illustrated photo shoot. She’s rocking that “not trying at all” look that all of us are trying to achieve: the gently worn Birkenstocks sandals, the skin tight yoga pants (but no Lululemon here, she only wears ethically sourced, local brands), and long hair that falls in perfect beachy waves-which make us look like an electrocuted goldendoodle when we try to replicate them ourselves with a curling iron.
She’s usually accompanied by her BF, who we like to call the “Fake-Healthy Hipster”. We know he’s only there because Hot Hippie likes a good green smoothie after hot yoga. But we know he’d much rather be enjoying some hipster-fare like avo-toast and a strong espresso at the ultra-cool (but obviously not trying to be) coffee shop up the street. But he’s willing to endure just about any health trend for Hot Hippie, including ginger-lemon-cayenne shots, meditation workshops, and tofurky. You’re in luck if you’re behind these two at the juice bar since she keeps things simple with a basic green smoothie (extra kale) and he goes with an acai bowl, making sure to note no granola because “nothing compares” to his girlfriends sprouted, grain-free, no-animals-were-harmed-in-the-making-of-this granola. He’s smooth and knows that the way to Hot Hippie’s heart is through green juice and granola compliments. Nama-slay, Hipster!
Their Live Pure Smoothie Flave Fave: His-Acai Maqui, Hers-The Skinny Peach
Hipster is all about the Acai Maqui. He says he liked acai even before it became “so mainstream”, so he claims. But Hipster has a dirty little secret. He totally doctors up his smoothie bowls with non-Hippie approved toppings when she’s busy downward dogging elsewhere. Don’t worry Hipster, we won’t tell her you prefer a drizzle of Skippy to organic tiger nut butter (and that you’re scared to ask what a tiger nut actually is). As for Hippie herself, she loves the Skinny Peach. The simple, super clean ingredient profile is totally her vibe and, as she puts it, allows her to vibrate on a higher energy level (which we’re guessing is a good thing?). Plus, the Skinny Peach is deliciously detoxifying, which makes the Hippie extra happy.
The “No ‘F’s’ Fit Freak
This fitness fanatic is the reason why we started carrying essential oils in our purse – they can make all the difference when you find yourself in an “oh no, someone has BO” situation. Enter “No ‘F’s’ Fit Freak”. This guy does not care that he just ran 14 miles and is sweating like a wild boar charging through the Sahara desert. He marches right into the juice bar like he owns the place, smiling like he just won the lottery. He’s basking in that runner’s high, but we’re starting to wonder if those post-workout endorphins have affected his sense of smell… Or if they just impaired his ability (or willingness) to care? Whatever the case, the Fit Freak gives no ‘F’s’.
Like the Guru, the Fit Freak is a bit of a wild card at the juice bar. He’s got a touch of Jekyll-Hyde going on, depending on how his workout went. If he’s just busted out a new PR of some kind, he’s buying (wheatgrass) shots for everyone! But if his workout wasn’t gold-medal worthy? He’s just a sweaty sourpuss. Regardless of his workout, the Fit Freak always places the most extra order of any other juice bar regular. He adds every boost, doubles up on all of the superfood shots, and asks for a triple scoop of vegan protein in his spirulina smoothie. But the real excitement starts once the Fit Freak actually sits down to “enjoy” his order. We’re not exactly sure if he’s also a competitive eater, but by the way he slurps down his spread in 2 minutes flat, we wouldn’t be surprised.
We’ve decided it’s usually best to limit your interaction with the Fit Freak. He’ll either rope you into a two-hour conversation about his race statistics, or he’ll plop down sullenly at the table next to you to mourn his athletic mediocrity if his marathon workout wasn’t record-setting. In either case, do yourself a favor and keep your essential oils handy.
Their Live Pure Smoothie Flave Fave: The Chocolate PB & J
This fit-friendly flavor boasts all of the energy-enhancing appeal that our wannabe-olympian is looking for. From peanut butter to bananas, and all the turbo-charged ingredients in-between, the Chocolate PB & J is the Fit Freaks secret weapon for stamina and strength support.
And while the Fit Freak will tell you he loves this smoothie because it gives him that competitive edge, we’re guessing that it doesn’t hurt that its yum-factor is definitely worthy of a podium spot.
Juice Cleanse Junky
Now that we’ve covered the main juice bar players, we had to give a quick shout out to the Juice Cleanse Junky. We can’t really describe her because her demeanor at the juice bar is completely dependent on which stage of the cleanse she’s at.
Day 1? She’s a bit grouchy and a little short, but the hanger is more of an “annoying itch” at this point and not all-consuming. With that being said, maybe don’t extend an invite to fro-yo unless you want to be glared at by someone who’s breakfast, lunch, and dinner consisted of liquid vegetables. Day 3? ABORT MISSION. If you see Juice Cleanse Junky on day 3, RUN. I repeat, RUN. The hanger has turned into full-blown tummy-rumbling rage. She will literally knock you out if she sees you unwrapping a snack within 50 yards of her. For your own good, get yourself to safer territory, far away from the juice bar. Once you’ve confirmed Juice Cleanse Junky cannot, see, hear, or smell your goodies, go on and enjoy your snack. Day 5? On this day, Juice Cleanse Junky has reached the state of cleanse-lightenment. Her skin is glowing, her hair is softer, she has more energy now than when she was in high school!! She could do this cleanse forever, she feels so grea-wait is there a Panera next door? Scratch that, it’s carb o’clock and she’s ready for a baguette!
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And there you have it, our Juice Bar buds. We’re a colorful bunch, but hey, who doesn’t love a little superfood-fueled spice to their life?!