Note: This post is way more fun if you read it in its entirety with a Steve Irwin, crocodile hunter accent, just sayin’.
G’day mates, so glad you’ve made it! You’re in luck because we’ve just spotted a wild, nocturnal creature that typically isn’t active before 10 pm! We’ve been tracking this beaut for about a week now and our researchers are absolutely dumbfounded by what we’ve been able to capture. Not only has this feisty little specimen been active in the daylight hours, very unusual behavior for this species, but she’s been doing it regularly!
That’s right, we have actually witnessed one of the most untamed, unpredictable animals of all time engaged in behavior that goes completely against her nature-and we were able to document it! Today, you’re in for a real treat as we take you along to follow the day in the life of a beasty that’s rarely seen outside a few select environments, like a Starbucks close by to a college campus, or scavenging close by the habitats of their preferred mates, known as “frat stars”.
We’ve been given a rare opportunity to observe a sorority girl during her most active season (outside of rush week)-the summer internship. So tread lightly and stay close by, a sorority girl working as an intern during the heat of summer is not an animal you’d want to upset. In fact, we’d take a croc or a lion any day over an angry sorority girl (have you seen the point on those girls heels? Yep, we’d have a better shot with the lion). This sorority girl has been identified by experts as Corie Fletcher, coming from the Delt Gamma sorority out of the University of Southern California.
Daytime: She’ll likely be decked out in Delta Gamma swag and lulu lemon leggings.
After 10 pm: Her markings vary from costumes (part of the greek life “date parties” ritual) or decked out head to toe in whatever trendy ensemble she can come up with between her closet and her roommates.
Daytime: Smoothies, avocado toast, poke bowls.
After 2:30 am: Carne Asada nachos, In-N-Out animal fries, anything with cheese.
Southern California sunshine. Also thrives in the tropical climates of Cabo, Mexico (although she might not call her Spring Break 2019 in Cabo a period of “thriving”).
Ideally: Between 9 and 11 hours of sleep, usually between 1 am to 10 am. Can “function” with: 1(ish) to 2(ish) hours of sleep.
To call for others of her kind: “HOT DAMN DELTA GAMM”
Mating Call: “So, are you in a Frat?”
Now enough chit-chat, let’s take a closer look at the life of a summer intern as she explores outside her natural habitat and into the unknown of “the real world”.
**Insert the most heart-breaking, gut-wrenching sound known to man: the loud serenade of an iPhone alarm**
7:30 am: It’s the first sign of movement. We definitely want to keep our distance, our summer intern looks to be particularly agitated this morning. It’s clear fighting her nocturnal nature isn’t going very well because our Corie remains almost motionless in her bed besides the subtle, yet rapid swiping motion of her thumb as she scrolls through Instagram. She’s mastered the art of scrolling, the signature move of her kind, only pausing for a millisecond or less to drop a “like” for a select few accounts.
7:57 am: Suddenly, Corie springs out of bed at a pace that’s highly unusual for her type (especially in the morning hours). She’s just remembered she has to move her car before 8 am to avoid a parking ticket. You see, in Los Angeles, Corie’s current habitat, parking enforcement is a top predator, preying on the naive LA drivers who mistakenly believe that their car will escape being hunted down and written up, even if it’s just a single minute past the allotted time window.
8:03 am: Corie returns to her apartment. She considers lying back in bed but ultimately decides against it knowing she needs to begin her grooming regimen. You see, Corie is interning with a fashion firm this summer, which means in order to blend in, her look has to be on point.
8:05 am: Clothes, makeup, shoes, accessories – everything is flying around like some sort of trendy tornado. Corie looks panicked-she’s realized she hasn’t given herself enough time to do her hair. She improvises and throws it up into a ponytail and calls it a day.
8:37 am: She makes her way into the kitchen knowing she has precisely 3 minutes to whip up breakfast before she has to tackle LA traffic to get to work on time. She quickly tosses in a few Live Pure smoothie cubes (Mint Cacao Chip to be exact) into her blender, adds some almond milk and lets it rip. She grabs her smoothie and literally runs (as fast as she can in heels) out the door.
8:40 am: Drives to work, navigating LA traffic and strategically switching lanes while sipping her smoothie. She has a few angry outbursts in response to terrible drivers driving well…terribly. She listens to very loud music that seems like it should only be played in a night club.
8:59 am: Corie arrives at work. She makes small talk with the other sleepy-looking interns, who all clutch their Starbucks iced lattes like it’s liquid gold. She checks in with her supervisor, who gives her an agenda of work tasks and then sends Corie on her way to get to hustling. Her first order of business is logging customer complaints.
10:15 am: She finishes up with the complaints (turns out, people love to complain). Corie moves on to organizing influencer videos and posts for social media. As a millennial, she knows the value of influencer marketing on social media (she, herself has been convinced enough times to buy something a stranger tells her is “AAA-mazing” on her social feed), so she takes planning and scheduling these posts very seriously.
11:00 am:Corie is charged with taking over the company’s Instagram to promote a new fashion line. As she plays around with GIF’s, filters, and geotags, she can’t believe some people get to do this for a living. She’s pretty sure she’s found her calling.
12:15 pm:Product shots, and lots of them. Corie takes photo after photo of numerous outfits. Once the pics are taken, the next step is editing. She’s been trained in photoshop now, so she gets to work meticulously tweaking the smallest of details to come up with the final image. She’s stoked to implement these new skills on her own social media platforms.
1:30 pm:She starts planning out next week’s social media posts, crafting up clever captions that she hopes are “likeable”. But she doesn’t drive herself too crazy on the wording because let’s be real, she knows most people don’t even read the captions.
2:30 pm: It’s time to eat! She heads over to Bristol Farms, a hip Whole Foods wannabe and picks up a poke bowl and something called “wellness water”. We can’t tell how this water makes you “well”, we always thought normal water did that. Our experts are investigating…stay tuned!
3:00 pm:Back to photoshop, making sure every photo is practically perfect. Corie knows pretty pics get the likes so she wants each photo to be fab.
4:00 pm:She’s not hungry but she’s “snacky” – so she goes and grabs a kombucha, and then takes her work and her bev outside. Might as well catch a tan when she can since interning has really cut into her sunbathing and typical summer beach bum ways.
5:00 pm: Time to meet with the bosses. She sits in on a meeting with the PR team to discuss the upcoming promotional events. She feels kind of “big time” being a part of the inner circle for the brand.
5:35 pm: She’s outta there. Corie wanders her way to her car slowly (wearing heels all day does a number on the feet). She contemplates checking how bad the traffic is on her phone but ultimately decides against it since it’ll just get her riled up before she even starts driving. Instead she picks out the best playlist and heads out.
6:15 pm: Makes a quick pitstop at the bank to cash a check (oh yeah, her internship is paid so she’s saving up to live her best life, and by that she means saving up for her Coachella ticket and maybe a fire outfit or two).
6:30 pm: Pulls into her gym to take a boxing class. We can see the fear in her eyes as she heads in to get her butt kicked. But if kickboxing is the go-to workout for the Victoria Secret’s angels, then she’s going to suck it up and get her sweat on. Plus, she’ll get to punch out some of her pent up road rage she’s harboring after sitting in LA rush hour traffic.
7:30 pm: She survived, she’s sweaty, and most of all, she’s hungry. Corie hops in her car and drives straight to the promise land, aka, a total “LA” restaurant called Flower Child that serves up healthy fare. She orders something called the “Mother Bowl” which looks like typical hippie food and then heads home. Only half of her dinner makes it back to her place though, since the other half is devoured mid commute (with about an eighth of that ending up in her lap or car seat).
8:00 pm: She makes it back to her apartment where she finishes her bowl and catches up with her roomie. Eventually, both she and her roommate are equally grossed out by the fact that she hasn’t showered since boxing at the gym, so she handles that situation and hops in the shower.
9:00 pm: She’s fresh and clean and absolutely exhausted. Corie climbs into bed and throws on Netflix. She’s slightly ashamed of herself that it’s taken her over a week to finish Stranger Things Season 3 (she finished the last two seasons in about a day), but hey, somethings got to give when you’re a working woman. She watches the last two episodes, scrolls through social for a hot minute, and then passes out. This nocturnal animal hasn’t made it past 11:30 pm on a weeknight once this summer. As we can see, living the “real world” lifestyle will tire you out.
And there you have it mates! A full day with one of the wildest species around, the college student. But not just any college student, a college student working as a summer intern! This little lady is fighting every fiber of her college student DNA to play it professional through the summer and it looks like she’s killing it! But on a final note. Remember folks, we’re highly trained experts here and have years of experience dealing with dangerous animals. So if you ever come across a college student yourself, remain calm, don’t make any sudden movements, and slowly back away. Usually, their phones will distract them, which is your chance to RUN!